Coming or Going???

I don't know what i'm doing in relation to the comps.  One day i'm doing them, the next i'm not!  Good Friday I slept, it was nice.  Got up went for my walk, my son came with me which was so lovely, spending my day off with him at home on a rainy day watching movies was so wonderful.

We were watching "Australia" and I was so relaxed and felt that spending a carefree, stress free day with my son and husband not thinking about work or prep just made me blow the whole comp off.  I opened up a bottle of good red wine and enjoyed my day.

The pressures have been to much, I really believed I was not going through with it and I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders gosh it felt great until the following morning.  I woke up feeling that I had to keep going so I went to the gym and it all continues again.

Today I feel like crap again and i'm really not taking to this prep very well at all.  I just think it's been going on for to long, 20 weeks, I won't be doing it this way again.

I have no idea what my skins are going to be coming in at tomorrow, I doubt that I have any changes as I don't see any changes.  God i'm just so sick and tired of all the head games, the on and off drained feelings and the time committed to cardio.  I'm so over it and wonder if it's worth it.

My mind just seems to go into a place where is doesn't want to communicate with anyone, I just want to be alone and not have to talk to anyone.  This isn't healthy and it happens on those drained days.  I was fine over the long weekend and today was my first day back on 4.30am wake ups and guess what, drained and negative.

I have to somehow deal with this for the next 7 weeks and hope for the best.  Please give me the strength to get through this prep, I just want to compete end of next month and then rest, I have come too far to have to pull out now.